Chess Masters Officiator Dr. Faustus Gulp, PhD., held a press conference Thursday to declare a state of emergency at the ongoing Fork in the Road Chess Tourney.

"We are living in unprecedented times," Dr. Gulp said.

The Fork in the Road Chess Tourney, which takes place every year in the garden shed at the back of the supermarket parking lot, has been locked down to contain the scabies outbreak.

"We have epoxied all of the pieces to the boards," Dr. Gulp said. "We are taking no chances with this, and we ask that all the chess masters keep their hands off the pieces until further notice."

When asked if the timers would be stopped, Dr. Gulp said he was awaiting further modeling from his chess staff.

The scabies outbreak continues to worsen at the Intercity Chess Tournament in neighbouring Zitzengunsten. At least 3 people now have uncontrollable urges to scratch their itches. Models show that as many as 0.1 persons might die in the Zitzengunsten tournament over the next month.

...Continued at the top of the next column...

...Continued from the previous column...

"We have never before seen Deaths at this scale, people getting Sick in these numbers," Dr. Gulp said. "Now, more than ever, we must draw a line through the squiggly thing."

It was pointed out to Dr. Gulp that 1 of last year's Chess Masters, Andreas Vieux, died of tuberculosis in December. Dr. Gulp explained that the difference is, last December, we weren't capitalizing death and sickness. "The world has changed," he said, "we have never experienced hardship like this before, and we must live in fear and total control of everyone's movements and thoughts by the board of directors."

The Chess Master Officiator has set up a hotline to report on neighbours who touch their chess pieces. If you suspect your neighbour of violating the state of emergency rules, you are urged to call 111 immediately.

At the end of the press conference, an epoxied knight fell over.

"Shit," said Dr. Gulp.

In a statement released on its website last Friday, the Kites And Parachutes Association of Fork in the Road warned that most major kite and parachute retailers in this city will be bankrupt by the end of the month.

Coordinated government action is needed -- now -- if catastrophe is to be avoided, said the statement.

As the impact of the Great String Entanglement of last summer deepens, the municipal government continues to concentrate its industry relief efforts on rescuing people's old kites from the big red alder tree in Fork in the Road Park.

Mary Piddle, who owns a kite that was caught last summer in the Great String Entanglement, says she wants her old kite back, because it was pretty, and because her stupid husband broke the dishwasher and now she can't afford a new kite.

Others at the Great String Entanglement site echoed her sentiments.

Dave D. David, owner of David David David and Son Kite and Parachute Shop down on Strip Mall Avenue, runs the Fork in the Road chapter of the Kites and Parachutes Association. He told us, "Cash reserves are running low, and governments are failing to cooperate. Now is the time to build a better, more competitive and diverse industry for kites, by giving handouts to the kite shops so that they can stay afloat."

David David David and Son Kite and Parachute Shop, the only place in town to buy kites or parachutes, is closed due to the scabies outbreak, but orders can be placed online at:

http://www.daviddaviddavidandsondaviddaviddavidjunior.forkintheroad.ca

My faithful readers can attest to the fact that I'm not one to jump on a bandwagon or heap praise on an overwrought lump of lead. So it might come as a surprise to some that I absolutely adored Jean-Richard Pauvremousse's latest theatrical production, At the Mutual Fund Bank. The press in Zitzengunsten has been building it up for weeks. So when it finally hit the stage at the Polished Brown Globe Theatre here in Fork in the Road, I dreaded the assignment I knew was coming. Even I was sure I would find something to detest about this production.

But everything was exquisite. The thespians undulated with their lines, as though they themselves were caught in the emotional tsunami depicted by this force of nature play. Particularly brilliant was Bob, who exuded restrained pathos and hurt and fear, and made the audience want to hug him and tell him everything would be all right in the end.

The costumes were period-perfect, middle-class twenty-first century business chic: jeans and T-shirt, and a full three-piece suit.

The set was well-built and not distracting to the casual observer. Yet the richness of its patterns and the deep beige draperies and wallpaper and the realistic blur of rain on the window all subtely added to the heartwrenching story.

The audio was terrible, but when have you ever heard decent audio at a play.

Above all, Pauvremousse's script was masterful. I literally cried for five minutes at the end of the show. Pauvremousse understands crushing loss and heartbreak like no other playwright since Dan Needles.

At the Mutual Fund Bank plays every night until Tuesday week. Tickets are $15 each. Only remote virtual seats are available during the scabies enemapidemic. Tickets must be picked up at the box office on Wednesday between 6pm and 6:15pm. Most performances are sold out, so hurry to the box office on Wednesday evening and jostle to be first in line.

This month, we only had two entries for the Monthly Fork in the Road Poetry Contest, and a note from Ms. Dandy at Fork West Junior High that nobody knows or cares how to read or write anything longer than 280 characters any more, so why do we still bother holding a poetry contest?

We were forced to disqualify James Ladeeda's submission, because as a male, he must not write from the perspective of any woman, especially not a Chinese one. Or Korean. Whatever it was, who can tell the difference, it was something Asian. We think. Anyway, we don't actually care, we're really horrible people and deep inside we hate all yellow people; we just couldn't pass up the opportunity to act pious and holier-than-thou and send up this virtue signal.

We didn't bother to read this month's winning submission. It was too long, and even holding our phones sideways we couldn't see the ends of some of the lines. But we know the submitter, Slurpee Gupta, to be an outstanding young poet. She is a brown woman who grew up in squalor on another continent; she has been raped three and a half times; and her alcoholic husband abuses her. Need we say more? We could not have found a more qualified poet if we'd tried.

Without further ado, here is this month's winning poem.

...Continued at the top of the next column...

...Continued from the previous column...

Slurpee Gupta is a yonug woman poet who is brown and grew up in squalor on another continent, has been raped at least three and a half times, and whose alcoholic husband abuses her. She is therefore Fork in the Road's most esteemed poet.

Slurpee composed her poem and submitted it as her final piece while enrolled in the McClelland Masturclass in Pretentious Poetry. Slurpee received a grade of D+.

Mastur McClelland commented: "Slurpee is a Person of Inferiority, and as such, the White People Patronizing All Those Little Brown Immigrants Act makes it clear that I had to give her a passing grade for this ineffable rubbish."

One of Slurpee's classmates, Jurgen Folknos-Watt, wrote a brief essay about Slurpee's poem:

Jurgen Folknos-Watt's literary criticism has been published in such esteemed journals as: Xena, Warrior Princess: Cultural Studies in Lesbian TV; and Cowabunga Dude Don't Touch Me There: Molestation as a Metaphor for the Experience of Reading in the First Fifty-Seven Seasons of The Simpsons.

A new study by the University of Zitzengunsten Department of Chemistry and Ultimate Frisbee suggests that fat depressed people might be more likely to contract scabies than physically and mentally healthy people.

In the experiment, 5 fat depressed people and 5 fat depressed people were left in a room while scabies mites were blown in through the ventilators. Outside, none of the 10 ultimate frisbee-playing scientists contracted scabies. But inside, everyone was itching like a motherfucker.

...Continued at the top of the next column...

...Continued from the previous column...

Zing Dweebat, PhD. student at the University of Zitzengunsten, says the evidence is not conclusive. "We'd like to try the experiment again, but this time with two groups: one with 6 fat depressed people, the other with 4 fat depressed people. If we put them in a room and they all get scabies, and we don't get it while we're outside playing frisbee, then that will be a pretty clear indication that locking fat depressed people in a room full of scabies mites makes them the most vulnerable to contracting scabies."

Meanwhile, of the grand masters locked in the garden shed out back of the grocery store for this year's Fork in the Road Chess Tourney, which has been locked down to prevent spread of the scabies infection, at least 64% of players are fat and depressed. The other 36% should be safe, though, as should the officiators, because no studies have been performed on officiators contracting scabies, and theor blood types are not A.

Penny writes: My internet stopped and my provider says no it didn't. What should I do to start my internet?

Stu says: I can't emphasize enough the interconnectedness of all things.

Sometimes we want to find a solution to a problem affecting X. But the problem is actually caused by Y. So if we buy a new Z, we end up solving the problem quickly, rather than spending a lot of time trying to do root cause analysis on X.

Let me give you an example.

Last summer, our dishwasher broke down. It was my wife's fault: she didn't tell me not to put our big crock pot in the top shelf.

As always, I'll do my best to bring the incredibly complicated technical events that ensued down to a common level, by explaining what happened in layman's terms: Bang! Bang! Bang! Buddabuddabuddabudda zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Shploom!

When my wife got home from work, she asked what the fuck I'd done, and I told her it's your fault, you didn't tell me not to put the crock pot on the top shelf of the dishwasher, and she said all kinds of uneducated things that I quickly corrected with my deep technical knowledge.

"What are you going to do to fix it?" she asked.

The million dollar question!

Well, you see, this was one of those X-Y-Z problems.

The dishwasher was broken.

It was caused by the crockpot. (Actually it wasn't the crockpot's fault; it was really caused by my wife.)

That day, there was a sale on at the Best Yellow electronics store. I knew, because I keep flyers.

Do you keep flyers, Penny?

I can't emphasize enough how important it is to keep flyers. You never know when they'll solve a problem for you.

So last year when my wife broke our dishwasher, I went down to Best Yellow electronics and bought a new toaster.

There, you see? All things are interconnected. X-Y-Z. Problem solved.

As it happens, Best Yellow electronics has a sale on toasters today. I know because I kept the flyer.

Penny, perhaps it is time for you to buy a new toaster.

My wife caught me playing with this new mobile phone app, the X-Ray Clothes Remover, so I decided to start a column reviewing phone apps.

If you have a mobile phone with an infrared fingerprint sensor, this app is for you.

X-Ray Clothes Remover allows you to hold your fingerprint scanner out and take a photo or video of a hot chick, like the one who brings your groceries out to the trunk of your car if you shop at the supermarket.

The user interface is unlike anything I've ever seen, so it must be good. I mean, there were standards developed in the 1980s and into the 1990s for user interfaces, and even whole books written about the academic studies that were done to arrive at those user interface best practices (take, for example, the monstrously long Computer Graphics: Principles and Practice). But seriously, who wants to read 1,200 pages of that stuff, just to come up with a user interface that is standard and familiar to millions, maybe billions, of users?

I, for one, am glad that every mobile app comes with a non-standard user interface. And X-Ray Clothes Remover is the best example of non-standardization I've seen in a long time.

The best part about it is how I can't tell whether the button I'm about to press is part of the app or a paid advertisement for a porn site.

My friend, Brian the neurologist, says that randomness keeps us learning, keeps us engaged and thinking, especially in a time when nobody has any discipline and can't be bothered reading a book any more. Brian says: "Respect the unexpected."

I'm also glad at all the permissions I had to allow in order to use an app to scan women's boobies. For some reason, X-Ray Clothes Remover won't install without permission to access my camera, my microphone, my email, and my credit card. Clearly there is some complicated technology going on behind the scenes to show me infrared images of boobies, if all of these permissions are required.

The X-Ray Clothes Remover app works with any phone that has a fingerprint sensor. I highly recommend it. But if your wife catches you ogling infrared nipple images of the hot chick down supermarket way, just tell her you're starting a new column, and ask if we have enough pickled cabbage in the cupboard at home.

Seventeen competitors convene today at the Trail Behind the Pharmacy for the annual Fat Middle-Aged Boredom Olympics.

Senita Waddlebum, the reigning champion of the 1000m Skiing With Only Poles event, said that she was preparing for the event with a strict diet of barbeque, chips and chardonnay.

"It's so important in these times to keep active," said Waddlebum. "I'd rather sit on me arse and watch telly, but I have a one-competitor race to win."

"Big" Ben Blanding, last year's upset champion at the 200m Luge Without a Luge event, concurred.

"The number of competitors this year is staggering. I mean, when you think of the number of lugers even only 2 years ago, compared to now -- Wow! It's like night and day."

Blanding was the first and only luger to ever compete in the annual Fork in the Road Fat Middle-Aged Boredom Olympics. While he is still a favourite to win this year's 200m Luge Without a Luge event, some analysts expect this could be the year to end his dynasty.

"I'm not saying," said sports commentator Hablar DeMasiado, on his radio show Sports Bla Bla Bla, "that Ben won't win again this year. But there is a good chance that the luge will best him. After all, in 1694, my great-great-great-great grand nephew fourteen times removed had a goals against average of 6.97, and yet the year the Russians killed Rasputin, there were no fewer than three semi-automatic touchdowns in the basketball division of Tennis Fork in the Road. Now I'm not a stats man, but I'm just saying. I'm not saying anything. We shall see, my friends. We shall see."

The Fat Middle-Aged Boredom Olympics will be broadcast in its entirety on Pay-Per-Torrent, starting this evening at 8pm (7pm if you forgot to set your clock forward).

Handen Pykkle, head coach of the Fork in the Road Gymnastics Association, held a press conference Thursday to address the ongoing gymnasium and clubhouse closures due to the scabies outbreak at the Fork in the Road Chess Tourney.

"The girls are being very brave," said Pykkle, who has been communicating with them via SMS text messages. "Some of their parents, not so much. Sophia's dad, if you're out there, give your daughter her phone back. She is a free young woman and she can choose to view whatever she likes."

Pykkle came under fire 2 seasons ago from the Fork in the Road Athletics Association, which claimed he had not molested at least two of the underage girls enrolled in the gymnastics program. He has been trying to keep up with expectations and urges ever since.

"I gotta tell you,", he said, in a rare, emotional moment. "It's been hard. I don't know how I'm going to diddle all these young ladies if the government keeps me locked out of the gym and clubhouse. Damn it, though, I will do everything in my power to make sure they are equipped with the proper physical and emotional scars for life that are expected and demanded of female gymnasts."

Pykkle went on to petition the municipal government to provide counselling and financial relief to him for the distress caused by not being able to rape and psychologically manipulate fourteen year old girls.

The Fork in the Road Athletics Association said it was aware of the problem facing Head Coach Pykkle, and that it is working with Mayor Perkele on a solution.

1. Feed acid to your dog, see if she discovers quantum physics.

2. Pour Listerine into your neighbour's heating oil, give their home a breath of fresh minty air.

3. Start a bonfire at the condominium construction site down on English Muffin Avenue. Leave marhsmallows and hot chocolate for whoever shows up.

4. Phone Mayor Perkele at home, ask him in Finnish how his pecker's hanging. Send his response to us via email or Twitter.

5. Click furiously through comics at www.kurtvonnegutfamilycircus.forkintheroad.ca.

6. Climb on your neighbour's roof and drop marbles down the chimney.

7. Call 811 to report that your weird neighbour is drawing comics and laughing maniacally again. Ask the nurse if you can have a free sample.

8. Start a newspaper.

9. Develop a new type system for computer science so that programmers everywhere won't have to continually code checks for the lengths of strings, the validities of structures, or the bounded values of numbers, over and over and over, all of which have supposedly already been typechecked.

10. Start a religion or political party, and write a 280 character manifesto describing how it is completely different from every religion / political party that came before.

The new white SUV is whiter than last year's white, especially after all the salt that was dumped on the roads here in Fork in the Road during the Great Snowjob back in February.

In a stunning new development for the industry, it has four wheels, and none of them is square.

...Continued at the top of the next column...

...Continued from the previous column...

We predict this amazing new vehicle will be on the Best Of list for this year. However we're waiting with bated breath to find out how awesome the black and chrome models are. There's even a rumour that there will be a this year's blue SUV, but we hope they save that one for next year, because with all these in-depth SUV reviews, we're just not going to have time to drive them all.

Rev your engines, SUV lovers! Even more than last year, this is the year to buy an SUV.

Or a pickup truck.

...Continued at the top of the next column...

...Continued from the previous column...

Send us your hate mail or death threat:

Letters / c/o The Nihilist Weekly editor / 42 Erewhon Rd. / Fork in the Road

In these trying times, it is important to keep positive while doing the right thing.

That's why today we praise the efforts of our community leaders, the people we've looked up to for years for guidance and direction, the people who have made our lives easier and more fun.

Our community leaders are staying positive and safe and doing the right thing by staying home and blasting everyone on social media with dire warnings of Death and Sickness.

We praise you, community leaders, for staying home in fear, staying safe, and positively ruining everyone else's mood. It is in times like these that we must have leaders we can depend on to make this bad situation worse.

If our community leaders were to take risks by organizing online social events or offering to help those in need, they might get scabies, and then who would we have to lead us? We need our leaders to stay safe and be fearful and miserable and neglect their leadership roles completely so that we can depend on them to continue leading us.

To our readers, guppies that you are, we encourage you to accept all these social media blasts about how evil and inhuman it is to go outside or how important it is to clean under the foreskin, accept these social media blasts with the positivity and resignation that make you such good consumerist guppies.

Here's to positivity and leadership,

The Editors

The editors of this journal wish to thank and applaud all of the heroes facing these troubled times with bravery and determination:

Thank you to all of the frontline workers at the supermarket, merely 100 metres away from the shed where the Fork in the Road Chess Tourney is taking place. You are the wind beneath our wings.

3 individuals have contracted scabies at the Intercity Chess Tournament in neighbouring town Zitzengunsten.

It is unknown whether any of the chess masters at the Fork in the Road Chess Tourney will ever succumb to Death or Sickness, or become really, really itchy. But in these trying times, it is people like the supermarket checkout staff who keep hope alive for all of the rest of us weak-kneed, fearful tadpoles.

Thank you, heroes!

The Editors

...Continued at the top of the next column...

...Continued from the previous column...

Today's joke was submitted by Zing Dweebat, a PhD. student in Chemistry and Ultimate Frisbee at the University of Zitzengunsten, who specializes in applying non-deterministic hyperstring theory to concocting expensive proprietary pharmaceuticals for industrial clients while using publicly funded university facilities, and patenting her creations, and throwing discs very, very far.

...Continued at the top of the next column...

...Continued from the previous column...